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[17 Jan 2007|07:38pm] |
snow fell softly as a post love cigarette is lit for the first time in what seems like days, though i know time must be fooling my starving heart, as it has only passed 4 hours since my previous smoke. looking across my lovers face i know i have just received what can only be described as a purest of ecstacy: an exchanging of glances and heartbeats as they become one in the same, our bodies move with military like consistancy. my hands, almost too weak even to hold my cancer, stroke my lovers face softly as though to say, thank you for this holiest of love makings. the returned glance says more than words can do justice. as the ember burns lower, i retreat back beneath the sheets, diving head first into a sea filled with love and its subsequent action. how charmed life can be.
ha
EAT A DICK.
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[25 Dec 2006|10:51am] |
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merry christmas everyone
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[08 Nov 2006|09:08am] |
i love jeff tweedy. i love kelci<3. i love college. i love my friends. i love my guitar. i love writing. i love my family.
i hate everything else.
i tried
to crawl out of my skin
and slip into the photographs
that you fell in love with
black, white
and clutching his guitar
the chords disguise
the boys they hide
still lost in who they are.
Oh was I in your dreams, late last night?
Did you hold your pillow, did you squeeze me tight?
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[08 May 2006|10:00pm] |
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Dear Cunt Roomates & Fuck-Ass Boyfriends,
I write you this letter on behalf of someone who's voice means about as much to you as the Empty Corona Bottles and Durex comdom wrappers you leave so carelessly about your apartment. Maybe the next time i fuck in your room, i'll have somehow misplaced my own contraceptive, and have you convenientally find it on your bedside. Now, i know nobody likes a live in bitch, so i understand your need to expand your occasional residency, but believe me, you'll find yourself much more at home in the Bronx, asshole. I also understand that any relationship based on mindless fucking also knows no boundaries of decency, so nothing should ever shock me and yet, you manage. Personally, i would feel just the slightest tinge of guilt to be having vocal sex five feet from a sleeping angel, but then again, I thankfully was brought up better. It's 3 AM, your trying to sleep, and all your ears are filled with are the sounds of me in your neighboring bed, bringing about unholy squeaking and pulling not once, not twice, but three times. Now, how exactly would you feel seeing my face the next morning? one would think you would probably spit in it, and that is where you and our voiceless angel differ. That said, how dare you try yet again to repeat the incidents of last week. Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice and FUCK YOU.
the year is all but over, and all anyone wants to do is get through it with as little confrontation as possible because lord knows for some of you its been a hell of a first year. And sure, its easy to point fingers and call names from ((600)) miles away, but dont think that if i were there i would have anything different to say. the only difference would be the possibility of my putting out a cigarette on A) your filthy fuckbuddy or B) your too fat ass.
All things considered, your really lucky to have a roommate so willing to put up with your selfish bullshit. If you and i had the great fortune of rooming together, i would make goddamn sure you realize just how lucky you are. If you came into my room drunk and ready to fuck, the only fucking you would see is the fucking up of your night. Maybe i would have some really URGENT school reading to do that just couldnt wait until morning, or perhaps i'll develope a severe case of insomnia, keeping me up all night with my ten favorite 80's teen comedies. And if you had the audasity to stay through the night, expect a most unpleasent wake up bright and early, as i sometimes love to practice all of my favorite Sonic Youth songs at Concert volume from the comfort of my bed. I bet your angel of a roommate is sounding a hell of alot better now, right?
In Closing, i know its not necesarilly my place to write such a brutal letter to a loving couple such as yours, but it seems if i dont you'll never know just how big of a piece of shit you really are. Feel free to share this with your respective gentlemen caller, as i am ready and willing with lit cigarette in hand for his response.
Regretfully, Seaner<3
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[08 May 2006|07:46pm] |
fuck salisbury.
i am SO over being here. this week is probably going to mark the end of my college experience, as i will surely be failing out very shortly. i'll break down my next few days'workload, keeping in mind i have yet to really start any of this.
Tuesday:Art Final Project/Final Critique
Wendsday:12 page Final Sociology paper
3 Journal Entries
Lead a class discussion
Thursday:Art Project- extention
Music Appreciation Final Presentation
Part two:
this weekend marked my last visit to new york to see my babygirl before school lets out. coincidentally, it also fell on our 4 month anniversary, and the first of which we've ever spent together. no matter how much shit school is throwing at me, or how much i just dont want to be here anymore, every time i go to visit its like everything gets lifted and there is nothing in the entire world that matters except kelci & I. i knew i had a whole shitfuckload of things to do, things that i should have worked on in my room at school all weekend, but when your choosing between that and getting to spend 12 hours on a bus and 48 hours with the love of your life, its really hard to pick the former.
Fittingly enough, the last saturday i'll spend in new york this school year ended up being the best day of any previous visit, or better than any visit i could have ever choreographed on paper. a rare pleasentry, we woke up real slow and didnt crawl out of the room until noon. myles and ian (!) were in new york for the day, so for the day i was meant to be the happiest man on earth. my lungs know no consquence when im with her, and that suits me just fine. an early death wouldnt be better suited for a happier man. sheeps meadow+love is love is love+ best friends=heaven on earth.. i am not a firm beleiver in god but for the first time in my life i experienced a moment of divine intervention. Sixty dollars fell into my possesion from a windy street corner, where it had absolutley no business being. so, with that sixty dollars i, for the first time in four months, treated my love to dinner. and that was how our night was spent: chinese carryout, MTV Dating shows, and my babygirl.
so there's this girl...
and she means the world to me, and if i could give her that world, i would. shes the one girl i trust with anything in the entire world, because i know that no matter how embarrassing or personal the issue, she'll always bet there to grant a form fitting hug and some word or two that make everything much better. I take for granted all too often just how lucky i am to have someone who cares so much about me, and asks for so little in return. i vow to start tonight to work my damndest to instill in her the amount of faith she has given me: in life, my future, fate, and love. how many people can honestly say that they know they found theyre true love at the age of 19? thank you angel. your'e a blessing and my best friend.
love is a wonderful excuse to throw caution to the wind for the only person you know would throw it right back.
&heartsblahblahblah |
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[03 Mar 2006|06:38pm] |
this entry im dedicating to love and everything that love has given me:
that was one of the first pictures kelci and i had ever taken together. Evan had come over and was making Jack Daniel's steaks, while we watched t.v. in the other room. After he left, much like most nights back home, we spent time first watching "Next" then the O.C. and then Conan O'Brien, that prick on t.v.
livejournals can definatley fo alot of good, but one thing i dont think they can do justice is conveying emotion, specifically love. I would go so far as to say that really livejournal cant convey what im feeling in the least. thats not to say that im not feeling any emotion at all. quite to the contrary, the emotion, or love, that i am feeling is so strong that no word i could ever conjur can ever express what i am feeling.
i failed my Biology exam today, like i really fucked up. Considering how much time i spent studying, this cuts even deeper. But as shitty as i felt after i took this test, there was one thing..one girl..that made me feel so much better. "i'm sure you did alright, you spent so much time.." and even though i know i didnt do well, its not important. those words, simple as they are, made me feel so so so much better and completly turned my day around.
I miss kelci so much....sooo much that it hurts. normally i go out to drink just to drink, and somedays i go out to drink because i miss my love so very much. i want her here with me. i want to kiss her and hold her and hug her for hours and hours. she'll never know what shes done for me, and thats alright, i know. i know the impact shes had on my life, my feelings towards people and how i trust them. everything. she'll never know, how could she, but she has completley changed my life.
i could spend a life with you and never realize the time.
I am in love with you kelci marie.
sooo much♥
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[01 Mar 2006|10:06pm] |
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fuck this.
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[22 Feb 2006|09:41pm] |
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This entry is dedicated to Harold Hunter
i would like t o point out that my dominant typing hand is completley numb so if it appears as though im drunk, dont be alarmed (speaking of, why was i drunk in my room lastnight? on a tuesday?) So Trip and i did a skate video trade yesterday afternoon, and while watching the Six Newell video, Dave Durens part specifically, what do i hear but the opening to my favorite statistics song "Another Day." needless to say i lept from my bed and promptly created a new away message displaying this to the world. i havnt seen too many things of note in my years here, but i cant think of a better feeling in the world than a good video with the perfect soundtrack. when i see Marc Johnsons swtich frontside flips projected to the beat of "love will tear us apart" i really cant imagine being anywhere else doing anything other than loving that moment in life. that said, i cannot wait until the first weekend of march, my father is dropping by on his way to the beach and dropping off, among other things, my board.
more tomorrow...this was meant only to be a brief explanation, not a novel.
1974-2006
Legends Never Die.
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[21 Feb 2006|11:26am] |
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oh my god! i just finished doing basic DNA testing in my biolab!!! hoorahhh
....
and now something different:
i know livejournal is never the place to bring up politics. after all, any respectable individual knows there are two things you never bring up in strange company, and those two things are Politics and Religion. Why politics and Religion? because you never know who your going to offend. well in this entry, im going to make it should be made clear that i really dont care much for sparing the feelings of those i dont agree with. this starts with the ever popular "i dont like my president" rant that i know is going to turn half of you off right about....now. see, there really isnt any country worth dying for, because when push comes to shove, its never my going to be my cause to die for anyway. and furthermore, it wont ever be the cause of the poor soul im killing either. even the most noble cause is still not worth a loss of life. so if thats the condition for a war worth fighting, then what is this one? this one, is awful. i have all the respect in the world for those over there. i myself, apparently, have no pride in this country. and furthermore, i also have an issue with the advertisements the military runs ad nauseum on my television. theyre made to seem like if you arent out in the trenches your somehow failing to meet your duties as a man. Now i dont know this for certain, but im pretty sure Bob Dylan did'nt feel any less like a man when we wrote "blowin in the wind." I've gotten the call:
"oh really, you want to write for skate magazines? ya know, i used to skateboard back in the day. well, thats funny because we have some positions available in the U.S. military for you."
"wow, you have something available for me in the U.S. ARMY thats in any way related to be being a skateboard magazine writer? somehow that doesnt seem quite right to me."
"thats the common misconeption with the military, that we're all just a bunch of gun toting good ol' boys. most of us are just like you."
"...Somehow i find that hard to believe"
"well why dont you schedule an appointment for say..3pm tomorrow afternoon, and i'll show you all that the army has to offer you."
"i dont even know how many friends i would take a bullet for. i really dont see myself taking one for you. goodbye."
-click-
a draft? i dont see it coming down the forseeable line, but if it does, i think i will promptly move myself elsewhere. the day i die for this man will be the day i hang myself an hour earlier.
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[17 Feb 2006|12:14am] |
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Salisbury is fantastic. we walked 5 miles to this party, had fun, got completley crushed, and left. upon leaving, doug and i made the mistake of Flipping off the passing truck of drunks driving by. they all exited the car, in a number of about 10, and began spitting in doug and eric's face. doug hit pavement real hard, and he was way too drunk too defend himself. as i tried to pick him up i got hit once good in the jaw(nothing to worry about, believe me.) doug rolled over to the side of the road, i found eric, he was hit alright, but nothing big. we picked doug back up and carried him back to our building. whenever we crossed an overhead light, we could see he got kicked real good in the mouth(lips covered in blood etc. and bloody spit) but we got him home and he was taken care of i assume, i left for my own room when we got home. i'll see tomorrow, but i hope their ok, really. he looked real shitty, im hoping the dried blood on his nose and lips were nothing to worry about. i'll feel alright tomorrow im sure. i got real lucky, and im not asking for an ounce of sympathy.
I love kelci. by this time tomorrow i'll be with her, so to those reading this, just know that i'll be a hell of alot happier than you'll ever be, i promise.
I'm probably not writing to you anyway
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[07 Feb 2006|10:02pm] |
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As Promised...
[16:41] Ben: I feel slightly embarassed about reading Kelci and your livejournals
[16:41] listntothesmiths: your a bastard
[16:42] Ben: for who I'm embarassed, I don't know
[16:42] Ben: its all very confusing
[16:42] listntothesmiths: hows that?
[16:42] Ben: well
[16:42] Ben: on one hand, its over the top
[16:42] Ben: actually, on all hands, its over the top
[16:42] Ben: but on the other hand, its sweet.
*i guess some apology is in order to all those reading my livejournal, so im sorry...but if you were this happy you'd be doing the exact same thing, and i dare anyone to say otherwise.*
so scream the choirs chorus
theres a call out in this hymn
to the lonely low eyed sailors
whose hearts have given in
the boys all raise their glasses
and i let go a drunken smile
i keep thinking of this girl i know
and not about the miles...
i do regret not finishing that, but in due time i know i will. who would have thought so much could happen in a month. i fell in love (against odds i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy), moved ((600 miles)) away love her more than i did on january 7th. to those who havnt tried, part of me thinks all you couples out there in cyberspace should try the distance for a little while(just a little!), because im just now realizing that what you find is that in the end, after all the fights and turmoil, it makes you stronger than it ever could have been at home. with such a physical gap, you know to make the most of every conversation, every message, because its not as though you still have those nights back home after work to use as your crutch. now those phonecalls are all you have, they're the lifeblood to your relationship. having put all good aside, this distance is definatley hard. i talked a big game when we were leaving, but the truth is it is hard. not hard in that im worried about finding someone else, because i think this entire campus knows where i stand by this point, its just those little things: my favorite thing in the world is to curl up and watch t.v. for hours and hours, and not being able to do even the most simplest of things is so hard sometimes. i know ive fucked up, thats not news to anyone. i (as i've mentioned countless times) am...a complete asshole. i've come to terms with that, and if i've found the one person who can come to understand that as well as i, then i have nothing to complain about. i know its so common on livejournal to just bitch and cry and whine about relationship issues, but i couldnt do that even if i wanted to. im just, happy. i look forward to every morning waking up to something from her, hearing her voice, looking at my background after class(hey, if this is too emo for you, fuck off and stop reading.)
two weeks couldnt come soon enough, but i am one who believes in love (if nothing else) and i think i can be patient for a few more days if thats what it takes. kelci, im sorry for everything, but just know that i love you so so so so much, and i would do anything in my power to be the one person in your life who you know is always on your side and always there to listen, no matter what.
im in love, and sometimes thats all there is to say...
iloveyousomuchkelcimarie♥♥♥
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[04 Feb 2006|12:09pm] |
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2:20 in the morning and my tired, slightly buzzed ass was stepping upon a greyhound to new york city. highlights included a conversation concerning Jay-Z's retirement with a new friend named Mikah and waking up to a broadened norfolk horizon...its 12:10 now. I'm looking out of a 31st story Manhattan window, and I in all honesty am the happiest and luckiest person in this room, building, street, Burrough, city, state..in the fucking world. more details later.
i'm in love, and sometimes thats all there is to say.
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[31 Jan 2006|02:57pm] |
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this is my first entry post college move in. that said i will probably have a great deal to say about, everything. to make it easier for those none too intersted in what i have to say, i will order this entry by subject, with the noted subject bolded for easiery recognition:
uhm, ya fuck that.
it sucks being a spring transfer. everyone else got a head start on the social aspect of things 4 or 5 months ago, leaving me the "last picked for the baseball team" if you will.convieniantly my friend katie from back home is here, in the dorm around the way. being that my dorm is the all guys, football/lax dorm, its not all that easy to meet people. i started hanging out with my friend matt from highschool, but all he does is smoke. my roommate alfonso is cool but his girlfriend lives on campus so he spends every hour over in her room or vise versa. whenever he actually is here, all we do is talk about his girlfriend. i miss kelci. at approximatley 2:30 AM saturday i'll be boarding a bus to new york, and im literally counting down the hours. from the time i wrote this, im 80 hours and roughly thirty minutes from when i leave....wow, maybe im the most emo boy on this earth. if that previously self made accusation is accurate(?) then i have no problem with that. the distance is hard, real hard sometimes, but a part of me thinks this is only making things better, if that makes any sense to the 8 of you that actually subsribe to my journal. like, if we were ever to get in a fight at home, it seems easier to mend. but from so far away, it doesnt seem worth it to argue about the stupid shit we left back home. every conversation is like the best ones back home. its bad enough we cant see each other, so why not try and make the talks good? im still trying to learn how to juggle trying to build some kind of social footing and all thats goes into trying to make this as distance as easy as it can be. im also trying to do as well as i can and prove to myself that i actually can succeed in higher level education. yes im aware im not brilliant, but i want to do well, i want to be successful. i've seen what happens if you dont make something of yourself at this age. im honestly trying so hard though it may seem like i suck at it sometimes. if im not in classes chances are im sitting writing this seemingly on going letter, though its almost finished, or waiting to talk to her. im not so worried about all things i was worried about when i first got here. meeting people, its coming along/classes, i know where they are at least, they all seem easy enough/and kelci is still the most important thing to me. i dont think she even knows how much i miss her.
Dear Chicago,
you'll never guess. you know that girl you thought i'd meet someday? well i got something to confess. she picked me up on friday, asked me if she reminded me of you. i just laughed and lit and cigarette, said that's impossible to do.
there aint a person on this earth i would rather be with, let alone ((600 miles)).
in Summary:
i love Ryan Adams.
i'm (starting to) love college
i love this girl...
i love "Dear Chicago."
i love this chai tea i brought.
i love love.
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[24 Jan 2006|04:06am] |
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*before you read on, just please take everything written in this letter as truth. i didnt slight any feeling or emotion to benefit myself.*
almost exactly a year ago now i met someone who pretty much changed the way i look at people and trust and love. Though it maintained an ongoing story which did nothing but shit for how i trust people, when it finally ended i had faith that that emotion i'd neglected for so long actually existed. from that time until now ive spent a deal of time looking again for something even close to matching that which i had months ago, with little success.
Before i go on, i completley understand that this relationship from the beginning has been a strain on friendships i would never want to jeopardize, and for that i'll never be completley comfortable with. that said, i feel that i have finally found someone who brings me back to the feelings i had 12 months ago. time is probably going to be fairly prevalent in this story, being that, its a fucking whore and i hate her for moving so quickly when things are finally starting to settle into place.
Though any kind of conventional thought would say that there is no way in shit this should work, somehow it seems to make it all the more exciting that it has been this good for as long as its been. i, as ive mentioned am a relative fuck-ass, and you are the titled scene mom and object of lust for every 15 year old in the frederick coffee co. on a friday night.
From the up-start we've bickered and fought, which to anyone i know seems like no basis for a healthy relationship. but some friends lucky enough to have heard it may recall me discussing an "ideal" relationship in which he yells and she kicks and screams but under it all its understood that they care about each other so much that it would never be enough to break them apart. ive always been comfortable with the petty fighting and no matter how many times i hear "youre ghey" i can only smile in return, because ive found that person who can say that without losing the crooked smile on her face.
After all that youve done for me, many times more than you know, it feels like ive done little in return other than bring more chaos into a life that couldnt be more undeserving. theres so much i could be sorry for, but even more so that i am so thankful for that it seems to somehow outweigh it. i know i let you down and dissapoint you and upset you and piss you off, but i also know damn fucking well that ive made you happy at least one time(though i'd like to think more than that, i'll try and maintain some modesty.) I care about you so much that if and when i fuck up, which i do more and more it seems sometimes, i am so quick to at least apologize or otherwise feel terrible and/or get sick until things are better.
If i were to do the math in terms of hours, well i couldnt, because i am terrible at math. its pretty emberassing. but i do know that i have 4 days left with you until we each leave and are reduced to long distnce phonecalls and textmessaging. Though i'll visit when i can, i know its not going to be easy to keep things as they have been. your reservations are all well understood and i'd be a jackass to question them, but what i want more than anything is just to calm your nervous heart and somehow make you believe in me when i say that i wont ever do anything to hurt you (though i know i have, never would i dare do it on purpose. im a little absentminded perhaps, but good intentioned enough to know better). i know your scared, im terrified, but for whatever reason i have a great deal of faith in love all of a sudden.
(A summary if you werent patient enough to read everything that came before this: i for the first time in a long time am sure of love and most all that goes with it. there are things that i will always be sorry for, and other things i'll always be so grateful for. In keeping with the aformentioned apology, i ask that you just please be patient with me sometimes; i know im not all that bright, but my heart is definatley in the right place. Manhattan is a hell of a ways away from Ocean City, but i am of the opinion that if any two people can do it, its the two that no one ever thought would. the ones that argue and bitch and couldnt be more opposite in so many ways, but come together at some middle point. i am so sorry for so much. but i love you alot more.)
Distance has a way of making love understandable.
iloveyou.
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[18 Jan 2006|02:10pm] |
last night evan and i got drunk and through golf balls at the neighborhood child abusers house.....Its a new day.
Being that i am now the "scene dad" of frederick, i felt it my duty to take one of the kids under my wing.
( Im not 16 as hell anymore, but mikearney is )
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[17 Jan 2006|09:05am] |
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im just going to rant real quick about my current state of life:
Watching the Vicious Cycle DVD, im thinking about 3 things.
1. this is maybe my favorite video ever
2. i love new york city
3. skateboarding is better than love thats better than anything else.
I should be at work, but i quit last friday so i guess i have alot of time on my hands for the next 10 days. instead, im lying in bed watching Zered Bassett Backside Lipslides and listening to Lil Flip.
*whether i treat him as i should or not, evan is one of the best friends you would ever want to have. if you arent acquainted, contact me and i'll give you his phone number. he'll have your back until the day you die*
last night was a grill out/slept over at kelcis. my favorite white shirt is now tagged the "kelci" shirt and its still my favorite. granted, im a relative fuck ass, but somehow i found someone as understanding of this fact as anyone could be. for once, all is well.
the point of this, i dont think there was one. but a quick summary: im home ALONE watching a skate video, playing guitar when i should be at work, i leave in ten days for school, have a girlfriend i am completley in love, friends i'll never deserve, and two shows to play in the next week, which stand out as the only responsibility i have to anyone for the next two weeks. LIFE IS SO FUCKING GOOD.
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[31 Dec 2005|10:45am] |
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I have the best friends ever. im far from being as good to them as they are to me. last night the band had the show, and i saw so many people there i knew. in the middle of one song, i glanced over and saw sierra and ben, who had said they couldnt make it but suprised me and sat right up front. scott and jessica were drunk, and tim mackey, Dan, and James were in the back, and ashlea too. i dont deserve friends this nice, really.
20 memories of 2005 (in no particular order)
20. cananda trip
19. Wilco, CKY, Rilo Kiley, Jack Johnson, Bright Eyes, the Decemberists, and any other show i saw this year
18. skoal patrol
17. drives home from work at Record and Tape Traders
16. 2 weeks in August
15. My night spent in Baltimore with James
14. eating sushi with sierra
13. christmas eve
12. my night spent in jail
11. ha, getting laid, any time.
10. james and i leaving school early to BBQ on his backporch on nice days
9. nights i cant remember
8. sunsets and -car crashes- x2
7. founding the park and ride club
6. graduation day
5. "the best night of my summer" with shannon, james, kacey, joey, jess, frank, kendall, tim, and everyone else that was involved
4. tagging the 1-70 bridge
3. (alot of my favorite memories are periods of time, rather than specific instances. Ex: the period of february to May, april to June, June to August, and December)/Seeing so many of my friends show up last night.
2. college visits to friends-St. Marys/Salisbury
1. Senior Week. let alone 2005, best memory of my entire life.
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[27 Dec 2005|09:05am] |
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(hey, the first person to comment on this, namely alli, tell me if it shows what date i wrote this entry. im not trying to, ya know. deal with that.)
yesterday...was awesomeee, pretty much
i left philly(<3) by 9 or so. listening to a live wilco album all the while and trying to write a song, with a little success. maybe i'll post that later. got home, basically slept and did nothing for a few hours. its rare that you have time to just not do a damn thing and just lay down. i suggest you take advantage of it when you have it. band practice later. they added some new covers. "memory"(sugarcult) and some Muse song i dont know. as introverted(sp) as i am i cant wait to get up and play with them. im even getting to OPEN THE SHOW with a song I wrote. then i went and grabbed a coffee with 2 old friends, one of which ive been missing for too long. she still looks the same, ACTS the exact same. to say that (i just changed music to deathcab, so ya, its going to get a little more emo than i had planned, im sorry) a whole world of change would have occured in such a brief time seems a stretch, but it was comforting to know we could still just talk like it was the last week of august. though i dont believe in fate, i do believe in signs. and her enrollment in salisbury and breaking up with her boyfriend all seem good and well, but i know better than to hold my breath.
this weight is overwhelming
and its difficult to stand
but i see no fear in lying here
if you promise to hold my hand
but mine must have been so cold
all the lonely nights theyve had
you found a stronger hand to hold
"we're in love" so no ones mad
MATTRESS WAREHOUSE!!!
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